


Can't I even have a kiss goodbye?

by commaAbuser



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Death, Disability, Emotional Hurt, GamTav - Freeform, Love Confessions, M/M, Sad, Sadstuck, homocidal tendencies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 10:20:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7887478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commaAbuser/pseuds/commaAbuser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my realistic take on what Tavros might've actually said to Gamzee after Gamzee asked to makeout. This is my take, heavily tainted by my own feelings that I dealt with right after I became disabled, but therefore, realistic. </p>
<p>Done in lazy pesterlog style.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't I even have a kiss goodbye?

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to break my own heart.

TC: aNd ThEn MaYbE mAkEoUt A lItTlE   
TC: ;o)  
AT: ,  
AT: ,,,,  
AT: ,,,,,,,,,,,  
AT: ,hAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
AT: oH, mAN, yOU AND YOUR SILLY CLOWNING AROUND, i ACTUALLY THOUGHT YOU WERE SERIOUS THERE FOR A SECOND,  
AT: tHAT WAS A GOOD ONE   
TC: :o( It WaSnT a JoKe  
AT: ,,,,,,,,,  
AT: oH, gOD  
AT: i DONT, i DONT UNDERSTAND GAMZEE  
AT: i NEED A MINUTE  
AT: ,  
AT: i THOUGHT WE WERE TIGHT  
TC: wE aRe TiGhT, rIgHt?  
AT: nO, mAN I THOUGHT WE WERE BROS, yOU KNOW?  
TC: We ArE bRoS  
AT: ,,,  
AT: gAMZEE DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT BROS WHO ARE TIGHT, tHEY DO NOT USUALLY MAKEOUT WITH EACH OTHER   
TC: nO bRoThEr I dO nOt GeT mY uNdErStAnD oN aT tHaT nOiSe, WhEn YoUrE aLl Up AnD tIgHt AnD sHiT, tHaTs WhEn YoU wAnT tO bE mAkInG oUt WiTh A mOtHeRfUcKeR rEaL sWeEt LiKe :o)  
TC: HoNk   
AT: ,,, i JUST, i CANT FATHOM THIS THOUGHT PROCESS FROM YOU, i JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND, aRE YOU CONFESSING FEELINGS? aRE YOU FLUSHED, oR DO YOU JUST WANT TO INAPPROPRIATELY KISS YOUR BEST BRO BECAUSE YOU WERENT SCHOOLFED PROPERLY, nO OFFENSE?  
TC: :o(  
TC: wHaT iF i DoNt KnOw WhAt I aM uNtIl I gEt My MoThErFuCkInG kIsS aLl On?  
AT: oH  
AT: wELL I DONT THINK ITS A GOOD IDEA  
TC: WhY nOt?  
AT: gAMZEE, yOU ARE A HIGHBLOOD, aND IM ABOUT AS FAR FROM THAT AS YOU CAN GET, pLUS, uH FORGIVE THE SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTER, bUT THIS IS ALREADY PRETTY SENSITIVE OF A SUBJECT, sO, nOTHING BELOW MY WAIST WORKS, i CANT BE ANYONES MATESPRIT, eVEN IF I REALLY WANTED TO BE  
TC: i ThOuGhT bEfOrE aNd In OuR rApPiNg I mAdE iT cLeAr ThAt Im NoT fOnD oF tHaT hEmOcAsTe ShIt WhAtS aLl MeAnT tO sEpArAtE aNd DiViDe Us, ShIt Is StRaIgHt Up WhAcK, fUcK tHaT mOtHeRfUcKiNg BuLlShIt RiGhT iN tHe WaStEcHuTe, JuSt GeTtInG mY tHiNk On AbOuT tHaT mAkEs Me FeEl So ANGRY HONK  
TC: Do::o|  
AT: nO, yOURE RIGHT, gAMZEE, i HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, i AM ABLE TO ADMIT THAT TO YOU, eVEN IF I AM A LITTLE, nO, vERY, rELUCTANT TO DO SO, bUT I AM GOING TO REMIND YOU OF A PAINFUL FACT  
AT: i KNOW THAT FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT IN RELATIONSHIPS, tHAT FAITH AND TRUST ARE IMPORTANT, tHAT ONE SHOULD BE BEST FRIENDS WITH THEIR MATESPRIT  
AT: tHE THING IS, tROLLS LIKE ME GET CULLED  
AT: i AM BROKEN }:(  
AT: tRUST ME, tHIS HASNT BEEN EASY FOR ME TO ACCEPT EITHER  
AT: bUT IVE HAD TO, nO, iVE BEEN FORCED TO ACCEPT THAT THIS IS MY REALITY, i WILL NEVER HAVE A MATESPRIT, oR A KISMESIS, tHE TIME WILL COME, aND THERE WILL BE NO BUCKETS, aND I WILL BE CULLED  
AT: eVEN IF ITS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO FILL ONE, dID YOU EVER THINK, mAYBE I DONT WANT TO DO IT WHEN IM LIKE THIS?  
AT: aLL THE FANTASIES I HAD? bECAUSE YES, i HAD THEM, jUST LIKE YOU DO NOW, tHEY ARE DEAD THINGS TO ME, gHOSTS IN MY MIND THAT KEEP HAUNTING ME, tORMENTING ME, tHEY ARE IMPOSSIBLE, i CANT DO WHAT I WANT TO DO OR WOULDVE DONE, i MEAN SEXUALLY AND ROMANTICALLY, i AM TALKING PURELY ABOUT MY SEXUAL AND ROMANTIC FANTASIES HERE, i AM STRAIGHT UP PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE OF DOING WHAT I SO DESIRE, sO ID RATHER NOT DO ANYTHING, eVER, wITH ANYONE  
AT: sO PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT  
TC: AnD i Am UnAbLe To AcCePt ThIs AnSwEr, ThAt YoU KNOW fOr A sOlID fAcT sOmEhOw ThAt ThErE iS nO sOluTiOn To YoUr CuRrEnT sTaTe? YoUrE wIlLiNg To JuSt WrItE oFf EvErYtHiNg JuSt LiKe ThAt?   
AT: gAMZEE MIRACLES DONT HAPPEN FOR TROLLS LIKE ME  
AT: yOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND, bUT ITS EASIER FOR ME THIS WAY, tO JUST NEVER GET INVOLVED ROMANTICALLY OR SEXUALLY, iM SORRY  
TC: tAvRoS, i WiLl MaKe ThEm HaPpEn, I wIlL dO aNyThInG tO hEaL yOu, Id Be ThE mOsT fAiThFuL mOtHeRfUcKeR tHaT eVeR dId ScUtTlE hIs FiLtHy CrAwLeRs On ThIs LaNd, I wOuLd CuLl AnD kIlL aNyOnE iN mY wAy, YoU aRe ThE oNlY cReAtUrE i CaRe AbOuT, yOu ArE tHe OnLy OnE iD sPaRe My WrAtH, i WiLl DeStRoY tHoSe FuCkInG dRoNeS, eAcH aNd EvErY oNe WhAt CoMeS uP tO yOuR hIvE, i WiLl KiLl EvErY tRoLl ThEy SeNd ToO, eVeN mY fElLoW fAiThFuL fUcKeRs ThAt CoMe At YoU wItH tHeIr ClUbS, i WoUlD dO aLl ThIs AnD mOrE, wItHoUt A sEcOnD tHoUgHt, TruSt  
AT: sEE, aND THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT BEFORE, aBOUT REALITY, aND THINGS BEING REALISTIC, wHICH IS NORMALLY NOT A THING I CARE ABOUT, bUT IN THIS SCENARIO, tHERE IS NO WINNING, tHERE IS NO SOLUTION, nO ESCAPE, yOU CANT KILL EVERYONE ON ALTERNIA GAMZEE, iTS JUST NOT POSSIBLE  
AT: oKAY, lETS BE REAL, lETS THINK ABOUT IT, lETS SAY YOU AND I START THIS CURSED MATESPRITSHIP, yOU DO START KILLING DRONES, KILLING LAUGHSASSINS AND SUBJUGGLATORS, yOU KILL THRESHSECUTIONERS BY THE HUNDREDS UNTIL THE OUTSIDE OF MY HIVE RUNS WITH RAINBOW COLORS, dO YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD BE THE BEST? tHAT YOU COULD EVEN BEST THE ADULT ELITES THAT WOULD COME FOR ME EVENTUALLY, tROLLS THAT HAVE SPENT MORE THAN YOUR LIFESPAN TRAINING AS SOLDIERS, aS ASSASSINS, lITERALLY DAY IN, dAY OUT, tRAINING FOR LONGER THAN YOUVE DRAWN AIR OR SOILED YOUR DIAPER STUBS? dO YOU THINK YOU COULD KILL HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION?  
TC: :o( i WoUlD tRy JuSt FoR yOu, I wOuLd DiE tRyInG, jUsT fOr YoU, wItH a SmIlE oN mY fAcE  
AT: gAMZEE,,,,,  
AT: tHERES MORE,   
AT: lETS SAY YOU REALLY ARE THAT BADASS EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE CONSTANTLY HIGH AND CONSTANTLY LAZY AND PROBABLY REALLY REALLY OUT OF SHAPE, lETS SAY YOU KILL EVERYONE WHO ISNT ME AND ISNT YOU  
AT: wHERE ARE THE DOCTORS TO HELP ME WHEN I START TO HAVE PROBLEMS? dID YOU KNOW I HAVE TO TAKE MEDICINE FOR PAIN AND EVEN TO USE THE LOAD GAPER PROPERLY, wITHOUT THAT SYSTEM IN PLACE, wHO WILL MAKE MY MEDICINE FOR ME? nEITHER OF US ARE CHEMICOMMISSARIES, aND WE DONT EVEN KNOW ANYONE WHO IS TALENTED AT THAT.  
AT: dID YOU THINK I WAS FINISHED, tHAT MAYBE ID LET YOU TELL ME THAT YOUD LEAVE ONE OF THOSE GUYS ALIVE SO THEY COULD MAKE MY MEDICINE, pLUS SOME TEAM OF OTHERS THAT ID REQUIRE TO HELP ME, aND YOUD RULE OVER THEM NOT UNLIKE HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION OR OTHER HIGHBLOODS FOR THAT MATTER, iN FEAR-BASED AND CLASS-BASED SYSTEM SIMILAR, aLBEIT SMALLER, tHAN THE ONE YOU CLAIM TO HATE?  
AT: tHAT ISNT EVEN WHERE SHIT HITS THE FAN MY FRIEND, sHIT HITS THE FAN WHEN YOUVE KILLED EVERYONE BUT ME, bUT I STILL DIE, mAYBE I DIE NATURALLY, cOMPLETELY OF NATURAL CAUSES, aND I DIE AT A RELATIVELY RIPE AGE OF 30 SWEEPS, wHICH IS A DECENT TIME FOR A BRONZE BLOOD TO LIVE, lET ALONE A CRIPPLED ONE, aND THEN YOU ARE ALONE, uTTERLY AND COMPLETELY ALONE, fOR THE REST OF YOUR EXCRUCIATINGLY LONG HIGHBLOOD EXISTENCE, a SPAN OF TIME THAT WOULD DWARF MY ENTIRE POSSIBLE LIFETIME, eVEN IF I WERENT DISABLED  
AT: tHAT IS THE TRUTH  
AT: sO YOU ASK ME MY FEELINGS ANYWAY, bECAUSE I KNOW YOU WILL TRY TO IGNORE ALL THIS, yOU WILL TRY TO MAKE THIS ABOUT RIGHT NOW, wHATS IMMINENT, aND MAYBE YOU REALLY DO LOVE ME, mAYBE YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN ANYONE EVER HAS AND MORE THAN ANYONE EVER WILL, aND MAYBE THAT LOVE IS ACTUALLY THE TRUEST LOVE THAT HAS EVER EXISTED INSIDE A TROLLS HEART, bUT THAT LOVE AND MY LOVE, wHICH I DO FEEL FOR YOU, yES, tHATS RIGHT, i AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW THAT I FEEL FLUSHED FOR YOU, aND THAT I HAVE FELT FLUSHED FOR YOU FOR SOME TIME, i WILL EVEN TELL YOU THAT YOU WERE THE SUBJECT OF MY EVERY SEXUAL FANTASY BACK WHEN I STILL INDULGED MYSELF, aND ALL OF THAT IS TRUE, pAINFULLY TRUE, bUT IT DOES NOT CHANGE ANY OF THAT OTHER BUSINESS THAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT, tHE MOST IMPORTANT OF WHICH IS THAT I DECIDED I WOULD NOT PARTAKE IN ROMANTIC OR SEXUAL RELATIONS, i DECIDED THAT MY ANSWER WOULD BE NO, tHAT I DO NOT WANT TO PROCEED LIKE THIS, eVER, aND IF YOU LOVE ME, yOU WILL RESPECT THAT, sO PLEASE GAMZEE, sTOP HURTING ME WITH THESE CRAZY PROTESTS AND OBJECTIONS, aND RESPECT MY DECISION  
TC: I wAnT tO rEsPeCt YoU bUt Im CrYiNg, Im So SaD, i WaNt MoRe TiMe To TaLk AbOuT tHiS, iTs NoT sInKiNg In, YoU sAiD yOu LoVe Me AnD yEt AlL tHiS nEgAtIvE iS sPiLlInG oUt, I jUsT dOnT uNdErStAnD  
AT: aLSO, iM VERY SORRY, bUT I DONT THINK I CAN FACE YOU AFTER ALL THIS, iM NOT SURE I CAN BE BROS ANYMORE WITH YOU, iM NOT SURE I CAN CHAT WITH YOU ANYMORE, iTS TOO MUCH, kNOWING HOW YOU FEEL, wITH HOW I FEEL, aND EVERYTHING BEING LIKE THIS  
TC: nO pLeAsE dOnT,   
AT: iM SORRY GAMZEE BUT I HAVE TO  
TC: NO MOTHERFUCKER DO NOT  
AT: i LOVE YOU BUT I CAN’T  
TC: NO NO NO PLEASE DONT  
AT: iM SO SORRY  
TC: PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU JUST LISTEN JUST STAY TALK TO ME MORE PLEASE  
AT: tHIS IS FOR THE BEST  
TC: NO!

adiosToreador (AT) blocked terminallyCapricious (TC)

TC: NO NO NO NO NO  
TC: WHY  
TC: No please, please just come back  
TC: I’ll be normal, I’ll quit the sopor and the faygo  
TC: I’ll even quit my faith  
TC: I’ll be the most realistic motherfucker that ever got his reality on  
TC: Please Tavros, come back  
TC: I’d do anything even to just be the one who takes care of you  
TC: To hold you, even just if it’s once, I’d do anything  
TC: Can’t I just have one kiss  
TC: A kiss goodbye  
TC: I love you so much  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: Please  
TC: now I guess nothing matters anymore  
TC: NONE OF IT MATTERS ANYMORE  
TC: you are dead  
TC: AND SO IS MY HEART  
TC: and every motherfucker left alive  
TC: IS GOING TO PAY FOR THE SIN OF YOUR DEATH WITH THEIR BLOOD

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the clown abuse.   
> I love GamTav so so much, there will be plenty of super happy and loving GamTav in the future.   
> Just, not this one.
> 
> \--  
> If you think I should tag anything else or you find a mistake, let me know, and I'll fix it.   
> Thanks for reading. <3


End file.
